I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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