I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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