I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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