I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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