so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
