The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
