Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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