i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
