you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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