just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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