wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
