Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
