I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
