Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
