some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
