you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
