Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
