I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
