you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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