i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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