Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
