Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
