Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
