Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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