textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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