I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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