spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
