He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
