I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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