Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
