Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
