Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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