Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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