I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
