my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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