So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize