Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
