Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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