dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
