I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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