Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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