dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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