Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
