I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
