After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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