I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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