i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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