Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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