Please, let me fuck your mom
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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