I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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