remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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