I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
vagina is talking i cant
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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