I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
