My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
