woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
