This is not my ceiling
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
