My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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