my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
