I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
