get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i think i have two assholes
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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