i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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